Category Archives: Break-Ups
BREAK-UPS, CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS, DIVORCE, INFIDELITY, SUBSTANCE ABUSE
IT’S NOT ALWAYS ABOUT YOU
I often meet people when they are in great pain. Frequently, their pain has to be extremely intense before they are willing to ask for help and seek professional therapy. Once in my office, their stories unfold. Loves lost to death, to fear, to shallow appearances, to drugs, and to the lure of others. In sorrow and anger, the ones who have lost repeatedly ask a rhetorical, “What did I do?” without realizing the true nature of their question.
Therapy is a place to look at your feelings, your thoughts, your concerns, your choices, and your interactions. But sometimes in life, it just isn’t about you. Relationship books will tell you to get in shape, not to be so needy, not to call so soon, that you can make the difference and save someone (who isn’t ready to be saved), to get more confidence, to be bold, to get more active, to become more interesting, and to not discuss importance or truly meaningful topics: be fun, shallow, and rescuing. But those books don’t send the right message: Be yourself.
People in our lives are as complicated as we are. Sometimes they react to just who we are, what we said, and what we did. But often, they also react to whom we remind them of, who in their past sounded like what we said, and whom has hurt/angered/betrayed/abandoned/accepted/stimulated them before. Each of us experiences the world in layers: layers of the past and the present. These interact during all of our interchanges with others.
So, sometimes, someone reacts negatively to us for “no good reason” if we only look at the present layer. The reason for their reaction may lie in layers of their past. Sometimes someone takes offense, doesn’t like us, or rejects us because something we do resonates with something within them about themselves which they don’t want to see. This makes them uncomfortable. So, they get angry, decide they don’t like us, or break-up with us. But it isn’t really about us or our intentions. It’s just not always about you.
When someone cheats on us, it is usually about the person who does the cheating. They may blame us. They may think “the other” person is prettier, handsomer, more exciting, more patient, more fun, more interesting, or more open to be daring. Yet, these are really feelings awakened within the cheating person—feelings which could be awakened by many people in many settings, including their spouse in their marriage. The person who cheats has to discover this. And the person who gets cheated on has to understand this too. Sometimes, it’s not always only about you.
Drugs can lure people astray too. When our loved one is using to the point of oblivion, fails to show for work to get drunk or high, has lost their job, fails to attend social events to get high, is no longer welcome at social events because they come drunk or high, are losing their housing/car/job/savings due to drug or alcohol use, or have become involved with the legal system directly or indirectly due to drugs or alcohol, we cannot save them. They have to want to be saved. They have to choose to stop their self destructive behavior. You can’t make them, reason with them, or trust their statements any more. Paying for their rehab is a waste of your money if they aren’t completely ready for change. Hitting bottom can be lower than anything you can imagine, but until the addict gets to the bottom, they aren’t done. There is nothing you can do. And nothing you did. You didn’t put the alcohol to their lips, snort the drugs up their nose, or inject the drugs into their veins. They did. So only they can decide to stop. Just like seeking therapy, their pain has to hurt badly enough to make recovery seem like an attractive option. But you can’t do it for them. It is not always about you.
So, now that you know that, how does this change your feelings about whatever interaction or relationship is bothering you? Does it explain things in a new way you haven’t thought of before? Maybe it should. Breathe deeply for the first time in a long time. It’s just not always about you.
ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICSBLAMEBREAK-UPSEMPTINESSFAILUREINFIDELITYSUBSTANCE ABUSE